7. 🌸 Sharon
I enjoy all the beauties and the good in life: a bouquet of flowers, rainbows, the delicacy of porcelain china, the touch of snuggly fabrics, the scent of nature, the list could go on and on.
Samuel and I married early, we bought our first apartment with limited budget, I still tried hard to make the most of it to fit my “perfection”.
The small balcony was filled with plants and flowers. It was my secret garden, I can sip my cup of coffee and watch my greens all morning.
Not just the balcony; my kitchen was equipped with aesthetic and functional silverware and pots; I knocked down the tiles provided by the construction company, just to choose my own tiles, not to mention what I went through to find the right fabric and color for those hand towels.
Thus, I can not accept the fact that I was going to spend the rest of my life in a wheel-chair.
There was no more perfection.
The first year was the darkest time in my life. It felt like decades. No matter how hard I tried to squirm out of the whirlpool of darkness, the more I struggled, the more I was sucked into it. I was drowning.
There’s so much than what you see “a person in a wheelchair” who’s paralyzed. You don’t have bladder control, you suffer dysautonomia which simply means you have pains and cramps sending to your system by your damaged nerves. There are also issues like obesity, osteoporosis, and kidney, heart and lungs problems.
My stubborn tumor cuts me from T8-9, meaning from about 3 cm above my belly button until my waist down, I don’t feel a thing, and I can’t budge a toe. All of a sudden, from 167 cm tall, I became 125cm. With that height, I can’t see the faces of people, I can’t smell the fresh air, and no more scenic views for me.
Due to the PTSD, I started to lose weight, but with no balance and muscle to straighten my back, my tummy always stuck out. I looked like a shrimp that has a 6 months belly in a wheel chair. I had to throw out all my tight and pretty clothes in change of clothes that could cover up the bulging tummy, and easy to put on pants with elastic waists. My beloved shoes had to go too, my feet are easily swollen, I need bigger shoes.
My choice of clothing and trend was banished.
The nerve pains follow me EVERY SINGLE DAY, 24-7. The medications can only do so much. Isn’t it an irony? I can’t feel my son’s hands touching my legs. Or someone just come and pinch me, let me get some real pain here. Nope, they are all gone. Dealing with the pains of my body takes up most of my energy everyday.
I had to record everything that I take in and out too. I had to decide to rely on adult diapers or to use catheter. My pride and frustration was about to explode. It took one year with the help of my doctor to understand my body and find the way that I was most comfortable with.
My legs are paralyzed, and my weight kept on dropping. Physically and mentally I was a mess.
I could never get to my balcony anymore; my pretty tiles had handles on them; my velvet dresser chair became an obstacle for my wheel chair, so it had to go.
My porcelain tea cups were too high for me to reach. I can no more decorate my table exactly the way I want to.
These were nothing compared to how I had to pretend everything was alright with in front of Andrew. He was two, and he was just ecstatic mommy wasn’t leaving him every two to three months. I played and laughed with him everyday, until he sleeps.
But it was a pretty pass.
I have witnessed him tumbling down the stairs in a friend’s house. I was right there! There was nothing I could do except to bite my lips from screaming out loud. Hundreds of things that could have happened to him, and my SOPs zoomed through my mind in the flick of seconds. Samuel ran over to pick up our frightened baby, Andrew held out his arms to me. I held him tight, checked him from head to toe. I thank the Almighty that he was not hurt.
Sometimes, I sat on my recliner instead of the wheel chair. Andrew wanted me to follow him to his room and play. I took a piece of my heart and threw it to him, he catches it, pats his own heart. “Mommy is following you now.” My two-year-old walks always without any complaints.
I tried to be the super-mom that I wanted to be, I took Andrew downstairs to play by myself. When I tried to catch a balloon that flew away, I fell head over heals. Andrew was in so much fright that he refused to go anyway alone with me for the longest time.
I suck everything up in the morning, my tears, my frustration, my sorrows. Once Andrew falls asleep, the waterworks ran like tap water, it wouldn’t stop. No one can comfort me, no one could help me, not even Samuel. We have been fighting this battle for years side by side, we were not ready to face the defeat.
I wasn’t ready to talk to anyone about this. I can’t lose my sanity in front of Andrew. He deserves a better mommy and a lot more happiness.
My blue print for being a Mother was to be there for my kid: race in the park, lie on the grass and gaze at the sky, teach him how to swim. When it’s time for school, I want to be friends of his friends, I am going to run for the coolest mom in the whole class.
But now, life isn’t pretty any more.
All good that’s left, was Andrew.
同時也有1部Youtube影片,追蹤數超過22萬的網紅ASMR BlueKatie,也在其Youtube影片中提到,たばこ、歌ってみました。チャンネル登録お願いします(*'∀'人)マイク変えたんですけどあんまり気に入ってないです笑 Today I sang Tabako (cigarettes) by Koresawa. Thank you for watching and please subscribe ^^...
「balcony meaning」的推薦目錄:
- 關於balcony meaning 在 鋼鐵媽媽的Andrew與山姆 Iron Mom’s Andrew & Sam Facebook 的最讚貼文
- 關於balcony meaning 在 旅行熱炒店Podcast Facebook 的最佳貼文
- 關於balcony meaning 在 ASMR BlueKatie Youtube 的最佳貼文
- 關於balcony meaning 在 How to pronounce BALCONY - YouTube 的評價
- 關於balcony meaning 在 Difference between "balcony" and "veranda" - English Stack ... 的評價
balcony meaning 在 旅行熱炒店Podcast Facebook 的最佳貼文
[中國特色的中亞城市:喀什]
Kashgar: a central Asian city in China
或者也可以說是中亞特色的中國城市啦。
Or a Chinese city in central Asia.
5月21日,踏入了本趟最艱難的一段旅程:從吉爾吉斯的帕米爾高原通過中吉邊界入境中國,高海拔、沒有大眾運輸、不知道簽證與護照是否能順利通過,那天還意外的加上下大雪;還好結果這天意外的順利,交通問題得以克服、護照和簽證也沒碰到刁難,結果最讓人不耐的反而是入境時的速度——只能說,以一個不正常的身份(台胞)配上一個不正常的證件(中國旅行證)入境這個國家,真的需要很大的耐心啊。用了接近12個小時,終於在晚上九點進入中國最西城市喀什。
Started the hardest part of my journey on May 21: entering China from Kyrgyzstan via Pamir Highway: high altitude, lack of public transit, possibility of rejection, plus heavy snow on that particular date. Fortunately, it was overall smooth - had no problem finding rides, was admitted without further questions. However, the passport check did take a very long time. As a Taiwanese (which is considered both Chinese citizen and foreigner here), entering this country sometimes requires extra patience :)
老實說我原本對於喀什沒有很大的期待,純粹是抱持這路過的心情,畢竟才剛剛去過烏茲別克和吉爾吉斯,這兩個國家的文化都和維吾爾人有點關連(對,很多人都不知道其實烏茲別克人和維吾爾人其實是同一個族群,至今也操著相同的語言,因為對泛突厥主義恨之入骨的中國政府不會讓你發現這件事),但又少了中國色彩而更加純粹;相形之下,走著標準中國特色發展的喀什就沒那麼有特色,喀什的清真寺與陵墓那兩國比起來簡直像路邊民宅一樣。
結果卻讓我大感意外:我發覺這個城市雖然特色不如前兩國那樣鮮明,卻有一些讓我覺得驚喜的發現。簡單記下這一兩天所見:
I didn't expect much from this city: as someone who just came from central Asia, the Islam architecture in Uzbekistan is way more impressive than here, and the Turkic/Islamic culture in Uzbekistan and Kyrgyzstan is more authentic than Kashgar. But to my surprise, I actually liked Kashgar more than I thought. Indeed it is not as impressive, but still found things that amazed me:
*既像中國又像中亞*
Where China and central Asia meet
就如同大多數的中國城市,第一印象往往是超大的建築和馬路,現代化的高樓大廈和北京上海的看起來沒什麼差別;然而,離開市中心不遠,我仍然看到在泥塑的民居旁邊,維吾爾人在泥濘的路上趕著羊,就和我在吉爾吉斯每天看到的景象一樣。而旁邊不到10公尺處就是30米寬的新闢道路,暗示著我看到的這一切可能幾個月之後就會完全改變。
As a typical Chinese city, first impression is often the extra-large-size streets and buildings. The new high-rise buildings here are no different from those in Beijing; but few kilometers from downtown, you can still see more common central Asian scene. Next to mud-covered houses, locals still push their flocks around on muddy roads, even though it was just 10 meters away from a newly built modern street. I think the existence of the street implies that this scene can probably change in a few months.
*維吾爾民居*
Uyghur residence
和青旅認識的朋友一起去逛老城區時,有幸被當地人邀請到家裡短暫作客,得以窺見他們的典型家屋:入口處通常會有個前庭,前庭裡有著一個涼台上面擺著刺繡的軟墊與茶几,這是他們在炎熱天氣裡吃飯喝茶閒聊的地方;前庭裡還會有個直上二樓陽台的階梯,偶有植物枝葉從陽台垂下,成為房屋裝飾的一部分。
主人送上了溫水與形似饅頭的麵食,我們在涼台上透過會講中文的孫女和老爺爺老奶奶溝通。他們已經80(也就是出生在這裡還是中華民國新疆省疏勒縣的那個年代),跟他們說我是台灣人,他們完全不知道那是什麼地方,只是繼續說著這是我太太、這是我孫女、這是我曾孫……。
While exploring the old town with a friend I met at youth hostel, we were invited into a local residence. A typical residence has a front yard, where a bed is set with a table and cushions. This is where the family would eat and hang out while temperature is high. Also a stair leads to a second floor balcony, where some plants would come down into the yard.
We were served with warm water and some homemade bread, and tried to communicate with an old couple through their granddaughter who can speak Mandarin. They are already 80, and know nothing about Taiwan. The gentleman simply repeats that this is my wife, this is my granddaughter, this is my great grandson, etc.
*內地的定義*
The "inner land"
偶然遇到一位家在新疆的漢人小哥,和他提起我旅行的經驗,還有我旅行的花費。他說,他去年去「內地」轉了幾天結果也花了幾萬元。我心想,內地?啊內地不就是你們大陸嗎?我這才想到,其實對不同人來說,「內地」指的是不一樣的概念——對他們來說,東部那些以漢文化為主的核心城市才是「內地」,自己住的地方是邊疆。
這樣說來,「台灣的內地是南投」這個講法好像也不太對,正確來說,東部人會覺得內地是西部、南部人會覺得內地是北部、新北市人會覺得內地是台北市吧。
Met a local Chinese who said he traveled to the "inner land" from Xinjiang (the province where Kashgar is located). This surprised me, as I always thought that for a mainland Chinese, inner land simply means the entire mainland (in opposition to Taiwan, Hong Kong and Macau). His words changed my understanding of the word "inner land". I guess the true meaning of "inner land" is: where the mainstream culture and primary cities are located.
*維吾爾人的處境*
喀什幾乎所有的商店招牌都是維吾爾文字與漢字並列,公車報站名時都會報中文和維吾爾語(對,沒有英文),古城裡玩樂的孩童嘴裡說的也都是維吾爾語,乍看之下這個文化似乎欣欣向榮,但事實上大家都覺得這一切很快就會改變。
在這裡工作的漢人告訴我,他發現維吾爾人言談之間會流露出一種「漢文化比較好」的偏見,學校裡已經開始不教維吾爾語,許多政策明顯有利於漢人,城市裡可以見到的一切標語也都是「文明社會」、「中國特色社會主義」、「十九大精神」等。在這種漢文化或者國家團結至上的氛圍裡,維吾爾人的語言和文化正快速的弱化著。
Uyghur language can be seen and heard everywhere, and this may make you feel that this minority culture in China is thriving. In fact, it is not, and many think that this situation would change very soon.
Han Chinese locals here told me that they can feel even the Uyghurs show disdain toward their own culture unconscientiously in their conversation. Uyghur language is no longer taught at schools, and many policies are friendlier to Han Chinese. "Han is a better culture" can be observed in many ways, and the Uyghur culture and language are being weakened rapidly.
balcony meaning 在 ASMR BlueKatie Youtube 的最佳貼文
たばこ、歌ってみました。チャンネル登録お願いします(*'∀'人)マイク変えたんですけどあんまり気に入ってないです笑
Today I sang Tabako (cigarettes) by Koresawa. Thank you for watching and please subscribe ^^
Twitter: https://twitter.com/ASMRBluekatie
~ENGLISH TRANSLATION~
It's been 24 hours since you left yesterday night.
I haven't taken even one step outside yet.
I'm thinking of you, who often slept in late, at my pace.
Five minutes have quickly gone by on the house clock;
it doesn't mean anything anymore.
Caring about how I hate cigarettes,
you'd smoke out on the balcony.
Watching the curtains sway, my eyes become warm.
You're not there anymore.
"Look after me more carefully,
more carefully,"
were those words too heavy for you?
"Look after me more carefully,
more carefully,"
would you be here if I hadn't said that?
You know me pretty well.
I get hot when I'm sleepy,
and I love when you'd kiss me, even if it was short.
In that moment when I thought of you,
how well did I know you?
The first thing that came to mind
was the name of your favorite cigarettes.
"If only I had looked after you more carefully,
more carefully,"
even if I realize it now, it's too late.
"If only I had looked after you more carefully,
more carefully,"
even as I realize it now, what meaning is there?
The cigarettes you left behind,
they're my least favorite thing,
and yet, why did I light one?
It had your smell, your smell.
I inhaled,
but choked, of course.
"Look after me more carefully,
more carefully,"
would you be here if I hadn't said that?
"If only I had looked after you more carefully,
more carefully..."
I cried to your slightly bitter smell.
![post-title](https://i.ytimg.com/vi/0LKyaCpVMvM/hqdefault.jpg)
balcony meaning 在 Difference between "balcony" and "veranda" - English Stack ... 的推薦與評價
But guess it can only be one option? (Or a structure can be a veranda and a balcony at the same time?) What are the main differences? meaning ... ... <看更多>
balcony meaning 在 How to pronounce BALCONY - YouTube 的推薦與評價
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